Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
