Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize