She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
