Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
