i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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