When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
