some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
try to milk me bitch
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