Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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