Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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