Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
