ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
