I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
