Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
