i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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