Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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