I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
