either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
