my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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