i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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