Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
