Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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