no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
