I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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