I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
