I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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