You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
