while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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