So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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