These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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