I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
