He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
