How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
