I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize