WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize