I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
