She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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