I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
