I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
