Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
