I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
