omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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