what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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