I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
