Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
