I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
