just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
