i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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