I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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