Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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