Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
