The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
