the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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