I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
