and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
