your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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