i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
