a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
wow bdsm is so cute
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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