Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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