The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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