Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
In America we eat man semen.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
